Bill Eddy on High-Conflict Personalities: Understanding Those Who Thrive on Chaos—And Strategies to Protect Your Peace

Some people argue to find solutions. Others argue to dominate, blame, and create chaos. These high-conflict personalities exist in workplaces, relationships, and even within families, leaving those around them emotionally drained and powerless. But there are ways to protect yourself.

In a recent episode of Khan Klinics, hosted by Dr. Amir Khan in collaboration with American Muslim Today (AMT), Bill Eddy, co-founder of the High Conflict Institute, shared expert insights on identifying and managing toxic interactions. 

With over 30 years of experience as a clinical social worker, family law specialist, and mediator, Eddy has dedicated his career to helping people navigate difficult relationships.

“People don’t need to look for high-conflict personalities,” Eddy said. “They will show up in your life whether you expect them or not.”

High-conflict people are not just difficult; they thrive on conflict. Their behavior is predictable yet damaging, making it crucial to recognize their patterns. 

Eddy identified four defining traits that set them apart: an obsessive need to blame others, rigid all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and extreme behaviors. Whether in a marriage, a workplace, or a friendship, they escalate conflict rather than resolving it.

“They’re not interested in solutions,” Eddy explained. “They’re interested in control.”

The Five Personality Types That Show High-Conflict Traits

Not all difficult people are high-conflict, but those who are often fall into specific personality patterns. Narcissists crave superiority and put others down to elevate themselves. 

Borderline personalities swing between love and rage, creating an emotional rollercoaster for those around them. Histrionic individuals exaggerate situations for attention, often making their children or partners feel responsible for their emotional turmoil.

Some high-conflict personalities have even more dangerous tendencies. Those with antisocial traits are comfortable lying, manipulating, and breaking rules to get what they want. 

Meanwhile, paranoid individuals live in constant fear that others are out to get them, creating toxic work and family dynamics.

“Not everyone with these traits is high-conflict,” Eddy clarified. “But if you see the pattern of blame, extreme emotions, and black-and-white thinking, you’re dealing with someone who thrives on conflict.”

Why High-Conflict People Rarely Change

One of the most common mistakes people make when dealing with high-conflict personalities is believing they can change them. Eddy was clear: they rarely do.

“It’s harder to change someone’s personality than it is to help an addict recover,” he said. “These behaviors start early in life. You won’t talk them out of it.”

Instead of wasting energy trying to change them, Eddy advised focusing on how to manage interactions. This means avoiding certain pitfalls—one of the biggest being the urge to give them feedback about their behavior.

“If you start thinking, ‘If I could just make them understand what they’re doing,’ stop right there,” Eddy warned. “They don’t take feedback well. It only makes them more defensive and more hostile.”

Another mistake is getting stuck in arguments about the past. High-conflict individuals are obsessed with blame and will argue endlessly over what happened rather than focusing on what comes next.

Eddy advised steering conversations toward solutions rather than reliving past grievances.

“Tell them, ‘Let’s talk about what we can do now,’” he said. “Because if you start arguing about the past, you’ll never stop.”

How to Set Boundaries Without Escalating Conflict

Avoiding certain mistakes is only half the battle. Eddy outlined clear strategies for dealing with high-conflict individuals effectively.

The first step is to stay emotionally neutral and avoid getting pulled into their drama.

“When they lash out, don’t react emotionally,” he said. “Respond calmly, with as little emotion as possible.”

Another key technique is shifting the focus toward what can be done in the present. Rather than engaging in a power struggle, redirect the conversation toward actions and choices.

“If they start blaming, just say, ‘What do you suggest we do now?’” Eddy advised. “That way, you’re taking away the fuel for their argument.”

For written communication—whether through email, text, or social media—Eddy recommended the BIFF method: keeping responses Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.

“Don’t engage in a war of words,” he said. “The shorter and calmer your response, the less power they have over you.”

When High-Conflict People Are in Your Family

Walking away isn’t always an option. Many people must deal with high-conflict personalities in their own families, which makes boundaries even more critical. 

Eddy emphasized that children exposed to high-conflict behavior often internalize those patterns, making it essential for at least one parent to model healthy emotional responses.

“Kids absorb everything,” he said. “If one parent is always blaming and yelling, they’ll think that’s normal. But if the other parent shows them calm, reasonable behavior, they’ll learn that too.”

Teaching children emotional resilience is one of the most powerful ways to protect them. 

Eddy encouraged parents to help kids develop four essential skills: managing emotions, practicing flexible thinking, using moderate behavior, and self-reflecting instead of blaming.

“If you teach a child that there’s always more than one solution to a problem, you’re giving them a skill for life,” Eddy said. “They don’t have to repeat the cycle.”

Social Media and High-Conflict Behavior

Social media has made high-conflict behavior more visible—and in many ways, more destructive. 

Eddy noted that while not everyone becomes aggressive online, those who are already high-conflict thrive in digital spaces.

“The internet amplifies these personalities,” he said. “It gives them a platform to blame, attack, and escalate conflict.”

The best strategy for dealing with high-conflict behavior online is simple: don’t engage. Arguments on social media rarely lead to resolution. Instead, they fuel anger and frustration.

“You can’t win an argument with a high-conflict person,” Eddy said. “They don’t want resolution. They want drama.”

Learning to Protect Your Peace

Understanding high-conflict personalities isn’t about fixing them—it’s about learning how to protect your peace and set limits.

“The more people understand about high-conflict behavior, the less power these individuals have over them,” Eddy said. “It’s about knowing when to engage and when to walk away.”

For those dealing with ongoing conflicts, Eddy recommended focusing on managing yourself, setting clear boundaries, and not letting high-conflict people dictate your emotions.

“It’s not about changing them,” he said. “It’s about changing how you interact with them.”

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